New Fic: A Beginner's Guide to Vulcan Sexual Practice, by Captain James T. Kirk

[thingswithwings]

so, it looks like the mod of kinkfreezone went and deleted the comm! because people were going over from here, and from ithiliana's post, and from vito_excalibur's post, and being MEAN to her. Which is sort of not at all what I wanted to happen - I felt like making fun of it from a distance was sufficient - but, whatever. Anyway, I'm kind of sad, actually, and regretful, because now it's not around to make fun of anymore! Ah well.

anyhow, yesterday, while it was still there and I was still charmed by its ridiculousness, I started writing Kirk/Spock fic that's sort of . . . about the comm. I don't know. It's sort of a parody? But sort of also SRS BZNS POLITICAL PROTEST. It's a thing I did. Therefore;

title: A Beginner's Guide to Vulcan Sexual Practice, by Captain James T. Kirk
words: 4700, idek, I'm obviously incapable of writing, like, pithy little parodies
rating: explicit
warnings: well, Kirk and Spock certainly adhere to the rules of the kinkfreezone comm. This story, however, does not. Lots of mention of various kinks, from bondage to D/s to bloodplay, but all sex is between consenting adults. Presuming that you consider Kirk to be an adult. For more info, here's my policy on warnings.
pairing: Kirk/Spock. Uh, NuTrek Kirk/Spock, that is.
a/n: I just want to say that this is a hilarious way to break into writing Star Trek fic. Can you believe I've never written anything for any Treks before? I mean, unless you count that Malcolm/Trip story that I never finished and that will live on my hard drive until I die. Which I don't.

It might help, in order to make sense of this story, to have a copy of the comm's DON'T list handy. Since the comm's been deleted, I've uploaded an html file of the DON'T list that I saved, and you can download it here, from megaupload.


A Beginner's Guide to Vulcan Sexual Practice, by Captain James T. Kirk


Everything seems to be going along pretty well, if Kirk is any judge of such things – which he is – right up until he closes his eyes, and groans into Spock's hot mouth, and slides a thumb down Spock's chest to rub at a nipple through his blue science shirt.

"Captain - Jim," Spock hisses, pushing him away suddenly.

Jim takes a step back and blinks. "Hey, what's wrong? Too fast? Too soon? We can stop if you want." He meets Spock's eyes and licks his lips, then pulls off his shirt and throws it on the floor. He's learned that offering to stop while stripping down tends to overwhelm his potential sexual partners with the irresistible combination of considerate-guy and hot-manly-pecs. He runs a hand down his own chest.

"I – no, the – Jim, there are things you should probably – " Spock breaks off, apparently mesmerized by Kirk's hand, by Kirk's thumb where it's grazing slowly back and forth over his own nipple. Oh yeah, he's still got it.

"What, Spock? We can do whatever you like." Jim shrugs. He's easy, and he's had sex with plenty of aliens who had their own ideas about what kinds of sex acts were appropriate or inappropriate. He always sort of thought that Vulcans were too uptight to even talk about sex long enough to make up rules about it, but hey, whatever. "You can fuck me, or tie me up, or come on my face – " At Spock's stricken look, he revises his strategy. "Or I can come on your face, man, either way!" he amends hastily.

Wow, he didn't even know that Vulcans were able to blush. The tips of Spock's ears are green.

Spock backs away, obviously making for the door. Well shit.

"Jim, I will require – that is, if you would like to continue, it would be appropriate for you to do some background reading and research first. I'll forward some documents to your, your office." Spock looks relieved to have gotten all that out, and even more relieved when he glances behind himself in time to see that he's made it to the door.

Then Spock's gone, and Jim's alone in his quarters with his shirt on the floor and a thumb on his nipple.

"Uh, okay then," he says to the empty room.

*

"Here are the reports you require, Captain," Spock says the next morning, cool and distant and without a single hair out of place. He hands Kirk a precarious little tower of PADDs – why the hell they make them so they don't stack Jim will never know – and turns back to his station as if he hadn't had his tongue in Jim's mouth less than twelve hours ago. Jim huffs a little – not that Spock turns around to notice – and resigns himself to reading.

Twenty minutes later, he finds something interesting tucked between the report from xenobotany and the revised duty rosters.

"Kel-Toth," he says aloud, reading from the title of the document. Spock turns around quickly, and interestingly, so does Uhura. She blinks at Kirk in surprise for a second, then grins widely. He glares at her, just for good measure, and she spins her chair back around and goes back to work. Jim frowns when he sees her shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter.

"Captain, if I may make a suggestion, silent reading is perhaps better suited to a public space such as the bridge." Spock's voice is still calm and collected, but Jim thinks he might be talking a little faster than normal.

"Oh, sure thing, Spock," Jim replies, easily. Then he glances back down at the PADD. He reads for a few minutes, increasingly aware of Spock's tense, unmoving silence. The guy is terrible at pretending to work.

When he's done reading, he opens his mouth to speak, then coughs to clear his throat.

"Mr Spock, if I could, uh, speak with you. Privately."

*

"It is tradition," Spock says blandly. "Surely you would not ask me to abandon Vulcan tradition."

"Uh," Jim replies.

"After all," Spock continues, raising one eyebrow delicately, and dammit, where was all that awkward stumbling from last night? "I am sure this is not the first time you have adapted your sexual practice to an alien code of conduct."

"Okay, but – where it says, uh, military situations –"

"During sex," Spock amends quickly. "The Kel-Toth obviously does not prohibit the existence of military institutions, only the eroticization of such relationships, in which power dynamics are unequal."

"Uh huh. So I just can't call you Commander while you're sucking my cock."

"Correct."

Kirk looks him in the eye for a minute, trying to see if he's perturbed under the cool exterior, then remembers – shit, wasn't that on the list, something about eye contact? He glances back down at the screen, and something new catches his attention.

"Asphyxiation," he mutters to himself.

To his surprise, Spock coughs. "That was – my mistake, Captain. I think you'll agree that I was provoked, and that my momentary lapse was understandable."

"Oh, absolutely," Jim agrees. This is probably at least the fifth most ridiculous conversation he's ever taken part in, which for him is saying something. Though he does win a little bet with himself when he realises that Spock's just admitted to being turned on by the whole choking incident.

"Do you think that you will be able to adhere to these conditions?" Spock's voice, with its now-familiar insulting tone, seems to imply that he's not sure whether James T. Kirk would be capable of adhering to industrial solvents, but that Spock is kind enough not to say so outright. His expression is the same haughty, carefully-blank amusement that made Kirk want to fuck him in the first place, back when they first met.

Well, hell. Jim's never been able to resist a challenge. He grins widely, and Spock looks momentarily taken aback.

"Oh, I'm sure I can work with this."

*

They have sex a few times, lying next to each other on their sides, gentle-but-not-sensual mutual handjobs and a lot of kissing and it's all really . . . nice. Just the sight of Spock in his bed, Spock breathing hard, Spock fucking sweating for once – just that is enough to get Jim hard, make Jim's gut twist, so he puts up with the really unflattering lighting conditions and the near-incomprehensible rules about where to look and where not to look ("How do you know whether I'm closing my eyes in a gesture of trust, or just to close my eyes?" "I can tell.") and Spock's insistence that neither of them should ever see the other one actually in the process of taking off their clothes. He feels stupid, going into the tiny bathroom to get naked, but the hot look in Spock's eyes when he walks out makes up for it, every time.

He thinks of it as foreplay.

Then he goes to see Uhura.

*

"So, did you break up with Spock because he wouldn't put out?" Kirk asks, when Uhura opens the door. "Oh, hey Gaila," he adds, when he sees her sitting on Uhura's bed.

"Hey," Gaila calls back.

Uhura glares at him steadily until he starts to shuffle his feet, entirely against his will – how does she do that? – and then, after he's been squirming for a while, she steps away from the door.

"Come on in, Captain," she says.

When the door whooshes shut behind him, Uhura glances at the PADD in his hand and smiles slowly. "I guess you found out about the Kel-Toth, huh."

"Oh come on, you know perfectly well that Spock handed it to me, like, first thing in the morning on the bridge where I'd be most likely to embarrass myself." He pauses and tilts his head. "Although, I guess humiliation isn't allowed. I dunno if Spock's really following the letter of the law on that one."

"I think it's understandable that he'd break the secret sex code of his people for the pleasure of seeing you embarrassed," Uhura agrees.

"See? That's what I'm saying. So, is this why you broke up with him? You can tell me."

She rolls her eyes. "Yes, because I'm exactly as shallow as you are, and have no experience at all with Vulcan culture."

"That's sarcasm," Gaila says helpfully, walking over to the bathroom. "In case you were wondering."

Kirk grins at her. "Thanks, Lieutenant." Gaila gives him a thumbs-up as she shuts the bathroom door.

"What do you care why I broke up with someone six months ago?" Uhura sighs. "Look, there's not much to tell. We started having fights about stupid stuff, his dad kept looking at us like we should be conceiving the future generation of tiny Vulcans, I had this thing starting up again with Gaila. We wanted different things."

"Like, you wanted to sit on someone's face, and he was bound by centuries of tradition to not let anyone sit on his face ever."

To his surprise, she shrugs. "That was part of it, sure."

Jim grins, delighted. "Can you even believe there's a rule about face-sitting? Like, on one hand, I'm almost tempted to say, go Vulcans for even knowing what that is. On the other hand, I can't really imagine that there was an epidemic of it going on before these rules were instituted, y'know? I mean, Vulcans. And then there's all this stuff about prison sex – "

Uhura rubs her forehead like she can keep her head from exploding if she pushes in just the right spot. It's a gesture with which he's become increasingly familiar. "Is there something in particular I can help you with, Captain?"

"Oh! Yeah, actually, I was hoping that you could tell me that this translation was crappy or something? Because a lot of the rules seem to contradict each other, and – "

A smile trickles out at the edge of her mouth, and Jim suddenly remembers how she shook with laughter when Spock first gave him the Kel-Toth on the bridge. "Oh, do they? I hadn't noticed."

"Yeah," he says slowly, "I, uh, take this stuff about temporary blindness for example – "

The trickle becomes a full-on grin. "I'd be happy to help with that, Captain," she says, going over to the shelf in the corner.

"Yeah? Because, I gotta admit, I wasn't looking forward to researching the – history – of Vulcan – interpretation – what, uh, what's all that?"

She adds another PADD to the pile she's made in his arms, glances at the three left her in hands, then shrugs and adds them too.

"The history of Vulcan interpretation and criticism on the Kel-Toth," she says, brightly. It's really surprising that she and Spock didn't stay together longer, what with their mutual interest in making Jim's life more difficult.

"No abridged version?" he asks, hopefully.

"Oh, the Vulcan Council on Sexual Activity doesn't believe in abridgement generally." She blinks at him innocently.

"Right," he drawls. "Well, gotta look on the bright side, I guess. At least I'm already circumcised."

Uhura smiles in that way she always smiles at him, like she'd rather not but has decided in a fit of generosity to indulge him. Then she pauses, and licks her lips.

"Look, Captain, you have to – you should take this seriously. He's a good man, and he's my friend, and I know how you are, but if there's a single part of you that isn't a slutty opportunistic bastard – "

"Hey," he interrupts, with some heat. "I'm not opportunistic."

"Just don't be a total scumbag about it, is all I'm saying," she sighs.

Gaila comes out of the bathroom. "Oh, is he still here?"

"Not for long." Uhura smiles again, and this time it's not the indulgent smile. Jim nods at her awkwardly and gets the heck out of there.

*

"Is this really what you want?" Kirk asks, a couple days later, after he and Spock have just had careful, orgasm-oriented, emphatically respectful sex. He's running the tips of his fingers over Spock's slim bicep, absently, although he thinks that it might be against the rules. He's not sure.

"Specify," Spock says, pressing a slow, wet kiss to the skin below Jim's ear. Jim shivers.

"The whole Vulcan Kel-Toth sexual relationship, the – I mean, you're half human, and I sort of thought, when we were building up to this, I – this isn't quite what I thought sex between us would be like." I thought you'd be taking me savagely against the bulkheads, Jim doesn't say.

Spock frowns. "You are dissatisfied with the – limited repertoire."

"No, it's not so much that," Jim says, though he's kind of with Uhura on this one – he wouldn't mind sitting on Spock's face sometime. "It's more that – I guess it doesn't feel like you, like it's what you'd be into."

There's a long pause. Jim keeps stroking Spock's arm, up and down, up and down.

"My preferences aren't at issue," Spock manages at last. "If I abandoned the teachings of Surak, even in part, it would be abandoning a part of the culture with which I was raised, forgetting our most important teachings. I can't – it would be unacceptable, to forget. To ignore them as if they were never there." He looks Jim in the eye, his expression hot and open and almost – lost, somehow. "So, to answer your question, obeying the Kel-Toth is something I want. One of the things that I want."

"Right," Jim says, "Okay. So I guess you wouldn't be into it if I tried to tempt you away from your prudish cultural heritage."

"Not so much, no."

"Damn," Jim says.

"Indeed."

*

Jim, stubbornly, does his homework. He's a smart guy, he knows stuff, he's been reading up on alien cultures since he was a kid, and it hasn't been very long since he was a student at Starfleet Academy. The pile of PADDs that Uhura gave him is daunting, and she's taken to showing up at his door occasionally with more of them – oh Captain, here, I found another ancient Vulcan treatise on incest, thought you'd want to read it – but he can prevail.

And, for a couple of weeks, he really does, working his way steadily through the pile of texts like he would a barfight, taking them one at a time.

But halfway through T'Lok's On the Medical Erotic: Being an Incomplete Application of the Uses of Logic to the Definitions of the Forbidden in the Practice of the Healing Arts, In Three Volumes, Including Explanatory Notes for the Layman and an Extended Discussion on the Moral Implications of the Medical Uses of Pleasure, with Illustrations by Suresh of Vulcan, he decides he's had enough of pure theory. He was always at his best in a lab practical, anyway.

*

When Spock finally shows up in Jim's quarters, Jim wishes fervently that he'd thought to set up a camera or something to capture the look on his face.

"Hey, Spock," he says, his breath coming fast. "You took long enough getting here."

Spock looks like he's like nothing better than to call Jim 'Captain' right now.

"Jim," he says, pointedly, "What – what is this?

Kirk grins with teeth and thrusts his hips up, gliding his dick along the smooth, cool skin of the cucumber.

"Sex," he says. "I got bored, so I started without you."

Spock frowns, but stalks over toward the chair where Kirk's sitting, naked, letting the vegetable slide down between his thighs and press against his ass, holding it against his dick and rubbing, faster and faster.

"The Kel-Toth – " he begins.

"The penetration of the anus with foreign objects is forbidden," Jim quotes, keeping his hands moving. "Though the anal penetration of any person, whether male or female, may occur if a living member is used." He stops and flashes a smile, careful not to make eye contact with Spock while he does it. "I like that Surak specified that bit about living penises, by the way. Makes me wonder about those ancient Vulcans." Before Spock can gather himself to reply, Kirk continues, keeping his voice even and steady and pleasant as he thrusts forward into his fists, against the surface of the cucumber. "As was written by Sovan, Interpreter of the Kel-Toth, the use of the word 'penetration' in this passage implies that it is the act of – entry – that is, is – "

"The act of entry that is damaging to the dignity of the person, and that reduces them to the status of an object like that with which they are penetrated." Spock finishes. He kneels suddenly next to Jim, putting them at the same height. "You read Sovan." He says it like an accusation.

Kirk nods, and Spock's hands come forward to cup Jim's hips, the touch that changes this from the crime of voyeurism to an equal, two-sided sex act. It's like permission; Spock is giving him permission to do this, permission to come, and just that knowledge is enough to make Jim dizzy with desire and relief. He throws his head back and presses his lips together hard to keep from groaning as his orgasm rushes through him and his dick pulses over the gleaming green skin of the cucumber.

Spock kisses him softly.

When they pull apart, he can't help but smile at the heat and desire he sees in Spock's eyes. He lifts the cucumber to eye level, holding it between them. Slowly, carefully, he licks a long stripe up its shaft, swiping at a trail of come with his tongue.

"Yes," is all Spock says as Jim wraps his lips around the length of the vegetable, as he sucks down the combined bitter tastes of the cucumber skin and his own semen, as he takes it into his throat. He gives it a long, hard suck. Spock's hands tighten against his hips.

When he pulls off, Spock leans down – and for just a moment, Jim is wildly certain that he's going to fellate the thing, too. But then Spock's white even teeth flash in front of him, and he bites off the end of the vegetable and chews. Jim laughs, delighted.

"Surak never foresaw you," Spock says, after he swallows. Jim thinks it's pretty much the nicest thing Spock's ever said about him.

*

After that, Kirk finds other ways to follow the teachings of Surak.

Coming home to the Enterprise after a week on the Deep Space Alpha station, standing naked before Spock with the new piercing gleaming from the slightly reddened skin of his navel;

Spending an hour focusing the attentions of his mouth and hands on Spock's ears, his fingertips, the hollow of his throat;

Watching as Spock removes a component from his phaser and alters it, as he presses the tiny black battery to Jim's skin to see the painless blue shocks jump and skitter, making the hairs of his arms stand on end;

After a long mission in the mudfields of Belanus 3, standing still while Spock washes him clean with a firm, slow touch, unscented soap and plain washcloth efficient and practical against his skin;

Offering Spock a hypospray that will prevent sexual arousal for forty-eight hours, watching him take it in his hand and press it solemnly to his neck;

Holding his breath as Spock scrapes an old-fashioned Earth razor across the skin of his face, cleaning away the little bristly hairs there;

He kisses Spock's mouth, and doesn't twist at his dark flushed nipples, and sucks Spock's dick, and doesn't feel the rough slap of Spock's hand against his ass, and he buries himself in the incredible heat of Spock's body and never ever kneels down in supplication, never ever splashes his urine warm over Spock's chest, never bites or punishes or strains his wrists against handcuffs.

Jim, like Spock, is bound by the constraints of Vulcan law. He obeys.

*

"Still reading Syvell?" Spock asks, amused. The door whooshes shut behind him. Kirk looks up from his PADD.

"I'm on to his commentary on Taurik's commentary on the unveiling of the body," he mutters, stabbing at the down-arrow on the text file. "I can't stop reading these."

Spock lifts an eyebrow. "Perhaps you still feel uncertain about the application of the Kel-Toth to your own sexual practice, and are seeking guidance."

Jim considers this. "Yeah," he says, "perhaps."

*

Later that night, Jim pulls his mouth away from Spock's for a second and says, in a voice that is in no way a whisper, "Maybe you should help me out."

Spock looks puzzled, but lowers his hand to stroke slowly over Jim's cock. "Like this?" he asks, with that same maddeningly calm tone that he uses on the bridge to announce that alien spaceships are shooting at them.

"Yeah – uh, no, no, I meant," Jim breathes, "I meant with the Kel-Toth rules."

Spock kisses his neck, slowly. "Surely, if you need help with them, we could discuss it when we are not otherwise occupied." Which is totally Spock's way of saying shut up and fuck me. Jim buries a grin in Spock's shoulder.

"Oh, I think it'd be more helpful if you reminded me of them in the moment," he says, slinging a leg over Spock's hip and thrusting lazily. "After all, there's a big difference between knowing the rules and being able to apply them to a practical situation."

"As you know better than anyone," Spock answers, dryly. "Though, by offering you such help, I may put myself in a position of dominance over you, knowing that which you do not."

Kirk sighs. Dammit. He'd hoped this would be easier.

"And so I must ask that you do the same for me, Jim, and not hesitate to tell me when I have deviated from the rules."

Spock's voice is moderated, but Jim could swear that there's a sparkle in his eyes.

"Oh, of course, yes, I'd be honoured." In celebration, Jim runs his teeth along the bare curve of Spock's shoulder.

"To begin with, perhaps I need to tell you that what you're doing right now is very nearly forbidden."

"Oh, is it?" Kirk asks, letting his teeth scrape back and forth, back and forth over the skin, reddening it. He lowers his voice, just a little. "Remind me."

Spock wraps his palms around Kirk's waist and breathes deeply, in and out, twice. "That to claim another or to establish ownership of him is unlawful, this is clear in the law of the High Courts, and so there should be no echo of this behaviour in sexual practice," Spock recites. "And thus the establishment of symbolic ownership, whether public or private, by gesture, word, or ritual, with sex, with the use of vestments such as collars or – " Kirk tangles his fingers with Spock's, wraps a slow hand around their cocks and begins to stroke, hard, tight, punishing – "collars, or, or, leashes, with scent-marking or mind-meld marking or biting, these things shall be, oh, forbidden – "

"That's right," Jim pants, stroking them a little faster. "I can't bite you. What else."

With his left hand stroking softly at Jim's balls, Spock raises his other hand to Jim's chest. His fingers trace the skin around Jim's nipples, not quite touching the areola. "You know this one. It was the first rule you broke."

"Nipples, being for the feeding of children – is it true that male Vulcans can breast-feed babies? That's totally kinky, I hate to tell you – nipples will not be used for erotic stimulation, whether pleasure or – god, Spock - pain," he breaks off as Spock digs in a little with his fingernail, just to one side of a nipple, scraping not quite hard enough to hurt but enough for Jim to feel the pressure and potential of it.

"No pain at all," Spock breathes, as if fascinated by the concept.

Jim squirms against Spock's touch and wraps a hand around his wrist, stopping the motion of his fist on Jim's cock. "C'mere, come here," he says, "I want – " he shuts his eyes tight, trying to remember the right way to say it. "It's my turn to get fucked," he manages, eventually.

Spock's fast, ruthless, efficient: he's got Jim on his stomach in the blankets and has two slick fingers in his ass before Jim can even bend his knee to make more room for Spock between his thighs. He pushes down against the warm wriggling intrusion of Spock's fingers and holds back a groan.

After what feels like a long time, Spock clears his throat and speaks again. "Silence," he almost croaks, "is also not permitted, as it fosters an atmosphere of – "

"Secrecy and distrust," Jim finishes. Spock pulls out his fingers and replaces them with his cock, huge and thick, one long slow push deep into Jim's body. Jim rises up on his knees to meet him, spreads his thighs a little further apart, hangs his head down between his shoulders, and takes Spock in.

"Yes," Spock says, though whether it's in response to Jim's answer or simply a statement of approval for Jim's tight, clenching asshole is hard to say.

The silence begins to build again, and this time Jim can't help it – Spock's told him not to stay quiet – and the words that have been sitting behind his lips come tumbling out.

"It's the pain," he says, as Spock draws back and thrusts in again, slow, cautious, restrained. "The pain, the violence, the - blood," another frustrating measured thrust, "that's the crux of it. The, the power, the – " he can't finish, his body is overloading with pleasure, and he doesn't close his eyes and doesn't call Spock daddy and doesn't say please, please, please like he wants to: he doesn't push back hard to make Spock go faster or rougher. He takes it, just like Spock wants to give it to him.

"Dominance," Spock grits out, finishing Jim's sentence.

"You want, you want to hold me down and – "

"Yes," Spock's hands gentle and easy on his hips, not gripping, not bruising –

"take me, hard, make me kneel in front of you, make me take it – "

"Yes," Spock's thrusts still maddeningly slow, still careful, like Jim might break –

"claim me, and mark me, and cut me – "

"Yes."

Spock's voice nearly breaks on the last word, and he rests his forehead between Jim's shoulderblades and makes a soft, nearly inaudible sound and keeps up the easy, deliberate pace that he's set. When his hand curls around Jim's hip to palm his cock, it's all Jim needs, more than enough, and he comes, hard. The pleasure pushes fast and rough through every cell of his body, leaving him wrecked and panting.

It takes him a minute to find his voice. Spock is still hard inside him, still plastered against Jim's body, almost crying out despite himself.

"You can't," Jim says.

Now Spock does cry out, and his hips stutter in one last gentle push before he stills and mouths helplessly at the knobs of Jim's spine and holds on, holds on while his orgasm rips through him.

*

Spock doesn't talk much, after, and keeps up the quiet while they shower together. Jim doesn't intrude on the silence, just washes Spock's hair for him and accepts the deep, wet kisses that Spock presses on his mouth.

As they crawl into the fresh cool sheets, Jim could almost swear that he sees the beginning of a small smile hovering around Spock's mouth.

"Okay, what?" he asks, finally.

Spock blinks at him. "What do you mean, what?"

"What are you smiling about, Spock, jeez." Jim pulls the blanket up over them and runs an exasperated hand through Spock's hair.

Spock is definitely smiling now. "It's nothing. Just – I must admit, I did not expect you to take so . . . readily to the dictates of the Kel-Toth."

"Hey, you know me," Jim grins. "I love rules."

*




end note: Here's something awesome: eruthros made me a kinkfree_bingo card to go with this story! She tells me that I made a bingo on the second line from the bottom, plus a postage stamp! Go me.

my kinkfree_bingo card, by eruthros:

(feel free to snag and use for your own purposes, if you like, with proper attribution)

Comments

[From: nextian]

1) The fic was hot as holy hell,
2) I laughed like a HYENA when the card shifted. YES.

Seriously, though, hot like fire. Who's going to go for it and write the Kel-Toth?

[From: thingswithwings]

\o/ thank you! I got kind of serious about it there, so I'm glad it came out hot. :D And I'm sure eruthros is delighted that you liked the card.

As far as writing the Kel-Toth goes, well, I can think of no better candidate than you, since you asked the question. :D

[From: anatsuno]

oh, you're so damn good. *g*

"How do you know whether I'm closing my eyes in a gesture of trust, or just to close my eyes?" "I can tell."

<3

[From: thingswithwings]

:D thank you! I do try hard to be good. Just like Kirk.

[From: torches]

That was amazingly hot. :D

[From: thingswithwings]

Glad to hear it! :) thank you.

[From: prairiedaun.livejournal.com]

I love your brain. And this.

[From: thingswithwings]

:) my brain and I thank you!

[From: such_heights]

ahahahhaha, oh my god, you are my favourite. :D This is hilarious and hot, and you really make it work, and I love your Jim POV beyond all telling. Also, Uhura! Being fabulous! And side Uhura/Gaila! I know that was a small part of the story but it totally made my evening.

[From: thingswithwings]

:D wheeeee! Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it. And REALLY glad that you liked Uhura and the Uhura/Gaila, because I'm squicked out by anti-Uhura sentiment and didn't want to replicate it here. Plus actually Uhura/Gaila is superhot, come to think of it.

[From: twospots]

I... love you a lot.

Also, YOUR ICON.

Coming down with flu. Not particularly coherent, but much appreciative of cool things on internets to keep me entertained.

[From: thingswithwings]

:D thank you! *bows*

The icon is by eruthros, and it's an image of the sign on the Mythbusters' fridge. Which I think is basically the funniest thing ever.

Sorry to hear that you're sick, buddy. Feel better plz!

[From: facetofcathy]

Jim, like Spock, is bound by the constraints of Vulcan law. He obeys.


This is perfect, as is the rest.

And er, is it hot in here?

[From: thingswithwings]

:D thank you! I am proud of that line, and really glad that you liked it too.

[From: wychwood]

Oh, this is great. I love the way you set it all in the Vulcan context, the elaborations and explanations of all the rules, the way it really is serious, it does matter to them both, and the ways they can work around the rules without ever discarding them.

"You want, you want to hold me down and – take me, hard, make me kneel in front of you, make me take it – claim me, and mark me, and cut me – "

"Yes."

"You can't," Jim says.

This bit I thought was just genius - it's the way you make *epic* kink out of not being permitted to be kinky. Because, of course, that's really the essence of BDSM, isn't it? Hedging sex around with rules and limitations like that.

So, yeah, I really liked this! Even though it isn't usually my pairing :).

PS If you ever finished the Trip/Malcolm fic, I might possibly die of excitement. My first real fandom! Not to mention my first serious slash pairing, the one where I knew what it was I wanted from the characters.

[From: thingswithwings]

Oh thank you! I'm really quite proud of that "you can't" moment, because yes - obeying the rules is in itself a kink, so long as you're doing it right. :) And it's actually why I had to write it with Kirk and Spock, I think, even though - never mind not my pairing - it's not even my fandom. It's just, who would know better than Kirk how to make the rules your own without ever changing or breaking them? And who better than Spock to need that kind of thing in the first place? I couldn't resist.

Oh, Malcolm/Trip! The funny thing is, I watched like one season of ST:ENT, read probably seventeen fics, was really into it for three weeks, and wrote this half-a-story. Perhaps I'll see if I can fix it up a little and pretend like it has an ending, so that I can post it for you.

[From: runpunkrun]

Excellent SRS BZNS POLITICAL PROTEST! And the perfect fandom to use for it.

[From: thingswithwings]

Thank you! Political protest is WAY IMPORTANT TO ME. Esp. the kind with porn in.

[From: marginaliana]

This is like... I feel like only you could have written this. I love that it's so completely kinky in its lack of kink, and the way you show what's going on inside their heads, and the whole letter of the law/spirit of the law distinction. And Jim is so delightfully Jim here. "Hey, you know me," Jim grins. "I love rules." - ha!

I love your brain.

[From: thingswithwings]

This is like... I feel like only you could have written this.

Do you know, that's a really heady compliment! Thank you! I'm quite pleased by that.

And hey, Jim really does love rules! His life would be absolutely no fun without them. :)

PS my Eddie Izzard icon really loves your Eddie Izzard icon.

[From: starlady]

Enh, if they can't stand the heat, they should get out of the Internet. Or go to moderated membership and members-only commenting. I wouldn't feel too guilty, or responsible (I think the whole thing got picked up in wider circles than the journals you list above).

On to more important things: awesome fic. And for someone who has never written AOS before, I think you nailed the whole irreverent/dysfunctional dynamic brilliantly. And, you know, Uhura is awesome here, and Uhura/Gaila is awesome too.

Edited for proper use of adverbs.

[From: thingswithwings]

Oh thanks, I'm really glad that the fic worked for you! I do love Uhura rather a lot, and had to let that shine through a little even in a Kirk/Spock centric fic. :)

[From: sasha_feather]

This made my evening too. The story is awesome all the way through!! And then the shifting bingo card! Exclamation points!! I particularly enjoyed the list of kinks they find-- the painless shock, shaving, washing. That passage stood out for me.

[From: thingswithwings]

Aw, yay! Thank you. I was so happy when I wrote that passage with the shaving and the washing and so on, so it's delightful to know that it works outside of my brain.

[From: livrelibre]

This is fabulous and hot and funny and insightful! Plus Uhura being awesome and Uhura/Gaila:) How do you do this? ETA: Plus that card!!!

[From: thingswithwings]

Thank you! I really have to wonder why there's not a huge Uhura/Gaila fic community out there, based on the reaction to this story. :) Or maybe there is and I missed it?

[From: aris_tgd]

This is so much win. Rules!Kink is awesome. And I love how Kirk realizes that he has to respect Spock's boundaries even if he thinks they're ridiculous, and then works out why those boundaries are there, and what to do about them. Respecting boundaries and consent are totally my kinks!

[From: thingswithwings]

ahahaha, well put! I love that. Respecting boundaries and consent are AWESOME kinks, and I like them too. I'm so glad that you liked it, thank you.

[From: gorgeousnerd]

Oh, this is brilliant. I love it all: the kinks, the Uhura/Gaila, the bingo card. And thanks for including the list from the original community; I missed getting to read it, since I heard about all this after kinkfreezone went down.

[From: thingswithwings]

Hurrah, thanks!

[From: isagel]

OH KIRK! OH SPOCK! OH UHURA AND GAILA!

This is just so awesome and perfect and YES.

I especially love the part where Kirk says he doesn't feel like the rule-compliant sex they're having is Spock, the fact that he senses that this is not who Spock is as a sexual being, and that he then does all the work necessary to unleash Spock's true desires without ever violating his beliefs. The respect for Spock as a person inherent in that course of action is what makes this story so right.

I really didn't anticipate the apparent kerfuffleness ensuing from your original post. Oh fandom. (In conjunction with this, I just saw the phrase "Also, if you think that vanilla sex is boring? You aren't doing it right." on my flist. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all the ways in which it doesn't understand the issue.)

[From: thingswithwings]

he then does all the work necessary to unleash Spock's true desires without ever violating his beliefs.

*dance* I'm so thrilled that it came across that way! Because, yes, this is the great thing about Kirk: he really can work with anything, and if Spock says that the rules are important to him, then they are, and he's got plenty of imagination that he can use to make that work. Thank you so much - this comment made me glad.

Yeah, I didn't anticipate that kerfuffle either! I thought making fun of ridiculous fen was like, what we did, but as you say: FANDOM.

But, much as I've been taking the whole thing very lightly, that comment about vanilla makes me narrow my eyes in a glarey fashion. Grrr.

[From: feanna]

Heh on Uhura totally dying inside of laughter when she hears Jim mumble Kel Toth on the bridge! I also about died when she handed Jim all those reference texts and analyses. (I made some seriously strange noises!)
And then somehow this manages to be very hot too.

[From: thingswithwings]

I think that "handing over reference material in a passive-aggressive fashion" is totally Uhura's, like, secret weapon. :D I'm really charmed that you were charmed by that part! Thank you.

[From: rae1013]

This was beyond awesome. I laughed my ass off at Uhura and Kirk's interactions and the never-ending list of rules. And you found an incredibly hot way for Kirk to "follow" those rules. IMO, it's incredibly hot that Kirk would adhere to any sexual rules for Spock.

Also, I'm loving the partner swap going on here. K/S and U/G. It's like a a sexy foursome except that's probably against the rules as well. =)

[From: thingswithwings]

Oh, thank you very much! Yeah, I think that Uhura/Gaila, or Uhura/Gaila/Kirk/Spock, has a lot of potential, really - I may have to come back to that. :)

[From: cesare]

Amazing. I love this so much.

[From: thingswithwings]

hurrah, thank you!

PS, your icon is PRETTY.

[From: tavella]

This is honestly quite awesome. You make a context in which an elaborate set of rules and constraints make perfect sense, and then add all sorts of wonderful cultural details -- of *course* the Vulcans have commentaries on commentaries!

And I really enjoyed the Uhura bits -- one of the reasons ST Reboot fic never really hooked for me was the amount of Uhura dislike or dismissal in the dominant Kirk/Spock aesthetic, and the relatively limited amounts of good Spock/Uhura.

I also liked how Kirk accepts that Spock really does *not* want to be lured into explicitly violating the Kel-Toth, and works with that. I like a Kirk who has an ego and a jones for breaking the rules, but one who knows where that turns into hurting other people for his own fun and *stops* there.

[From: thingswithwings]

:D If anyone ever in the history of the universe is going to have a scholarly tradition of interpretation, it's gonna be the Vulcans, is all I'm saying.

I agree re: the problem with ST:Reboot . . . really, what I wish there were more of is Kirk/Spock/Uhura, which has so much potential in the film, but doesn't get much play in fandom. But then, "have a threesome!" is always my solution to pairing wars.

I'm so glad that the story worked for you, and that Kirk came across realistically here. Thanks so much!

[From: fish_echo]

There were more thoughts here, but I have no more brain. Ooops.

I love how you show how having sex within constraints of rules is itself kinky. Also, hot.

And now for the 'I quote things at you' portion of the show:

"Uh, okay then," he says to the empty room.
This entire scene is so greatly in character. Plus, since I've seen the list I know more about where it's going than Kirk does, which is loltacular.

"Oh, absolutely," Jim agrees. This is probably at least the fifth most ridiculous conversation he's ever taken part in, which for him is saying something.
I'm kind of wondering about conversations 1-4 now.

"So, did you break up with Spock because he wouldn't put out?" Kirk asks, when Uhura opens the door. "Oh, hey Gaila," he adds, when he sees her sitting on Uhura's bed.

"Hey," Gaila calls back.
Yay, Gaila.


"I think it's understandable that he'd break the secret sex code of his people for the pleasure of seeing you embarrassed," Uhura agrees.
I'm with Uhura on this one.


"That's sarcasm," Gaila says helpfully, walking over to the bathroom. "In case you were wondering."
I love Gaila. In general. But here in specific too!


"The history of Vulcan interpretation and criticism on the Kel-Toth," she says, brightly.
I actually burst out chuckling at this. I'm glad that the flat is empty.
The history of the interpretation of the Kel-Toth for the fucking win!

"Oh, the Vulcan Council on Sexual Activity doesn't believe in abridgement generally." She blinks at him innocently.
Uhura is awesome.

and she's taken to showing up at his door occasionally with more of them – oh Captain, here, I found another ancient Vulcan treatise on incest, thought you'd want to read it – but he can prevail.
Uhura is still awesome.

[From: thingswithwings]

so, what I'm getting out of this is, fish likes Gaila and Uhura. :) Buddy, I'm so happy that they both came across as the awesome ladies that they are, even if they didn't have much play in the story. I love them both really, and worried about writing a Spock/Uhura breakup, so it's good to hear that that part of the story worked for you. Thanks!

[From: bironic]

Okay, 1 - awesome, 2 - this fic wins the award for best use of Vulcans as a metaphor, and 3 - awesome. Fun and sweet. And as if you've been writing Reboot for a long time.

[From: bironic]

Also, I grinned at the first Deep Space station.

[From: lefaym]

Heee! This is brilliant.

[From: thingswithwings]

thank you! :)

[From: chagrined]

HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. Also hilarious. You're so brilliant, idek how to deal with it sometimes! ♥

Haha, and the card is adorable. I think my favorite on the before-fade card is "abstain from orgasm denial," lol. Oh oh also "reign in all ponyplay." And "restrain from all bondage!" The whole thing is so cute.

[From: thingswithwings]

haha, thank you! It is true that I am awesome.

The verbs on the card were all eruthros's idea! She really went to town with them. I love the ponyplay one, but I think "forsake cock worship" is also geeeenius.

[From: gchick]

In my VERY HAPPY BRANE, the whole accumulated giant stack of Kel-Toth elaboration and commentary coincides more or less exactly with the whole accumulated giant stack of K/S history. What with the years and years of mapping of every imaginable raised eyebrow and its nastiest possible interpretation. It's much more fun reading than the original list of rules itself, trust me.

And then that leads me to Uhura as fangirl, and, wait, I think that was probably against the rules too.

[From: thingswithwings]

aw, that's lovely! It's so true that fannish knowledge and scholarly knowledge are sort of the same thing, the same methods, applied to different objects, and the Kel-Toth is all about policing the body in the same way that fans watch for every little touch.