BEST LJ COMMUNITY OF ALL TIME

[thingswithwings]

you guys, I have found the most hilarious thing EVER. Look, look! It's kinkfreezone! A place for fic that has NO KINK IN IT WHATSOEVER.

at first I was like, headtilt, okay, I can see someone who doesn't like certain kinds of kink fic wanting to make a space for that . . . because, uh, non-kink fic is so discriminated against in fandom . . . and then I read the absolutely amazing list of kinks that are NOT ALLOWED, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.

some of my favourites include:

* Anal penetration with foreign objects (vaginal, oral, aural, urethral, or nasal penetration with foreign objects: apparently okay? JUST PROTECT THE ASS FROM DILDOS YOU GUYS)

* Bottoming (in a D/s type scenario where you are making it obvious that you place character A always in the submissive/bottoming position) (you must not like being penetrated any more or less than penetrating! all penetration must be equal! I am not sure what this means for het fic.)

* Crossovers (sex between characters played by same actor) (ahahahahahha)

* Dildos (dildo gags; harnesses; strap-ons; ritual phalluses) (but WHENCE THE LESBIANS? and wtf, ritual phalluses? I have to wonder which fandom these kinks are based on.)

* Discomfort during sex (if you TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, you never accidentally lean on their hair during sex. Because that would be kinky! IDEK)

* Exoticism (fetishization of Far Eastern culture and aesthetics, which may be adapted and generalized for fictional worlds; e.g., harems and harem culture; veils; silk clothes; Turkish baths; pleasure pavilions; royal courts; lush gardens; island paradises; opium dens; casbahs and bazaars; tents; imperial royal figures such as sheikhs or sultans; köçek troupes; court figures such as dancers and storytellers; floor pillows; furs or skins as rugs or bedding; feasts; tapestries; Persian rugs; oil lamps; wild animals as pets; opulence, decadence, and sensuality in general) (innnnnteresting. What if I want to write fic that, like, takes place in the Far East, among its cultures and aesthetics? I also have to lol at "feasts" "opulence," "decadence" and "sensuality in general." NO SENSUALITY! All sex should contain as little sensuality as possible! If possible please do it on a burlap sack after fasting for three days. PS no fic about Oscar Wilde and late-nineteenth century literary movements allowed EITHER.)

* Exposure (with or without eroticism; feeling physically exposed, such as with legs open; a woman's shirt being opened to expose her breasts; characters being forced to undress in public; someone opening a door on people having sex) (that's right, comedies of errors, I'm looking at you! No French farce!)

* Gender themes (gender confusion; sex changes; genderfucks; hermaphrodites; cross-dressing or other forms of genderbending; drag queens and transvestites; androgyny; forced feminization; butch/femme; tomboys) (uh, I think you'll find that many of those are in fact identity categories. You heard it here first for the eight millionth time, transgender and genderqueer folks: anything you do is automatically kinky! And imagining presumed-cisgender characters as potentially transgender? Is ttly different than imagining presumed-straight characters to be gay. fyi.)

* Healing or comfort sex (post-rape or abuse; affirming life in the midst of death; captives turning to one another for comfort; one character soothing another who is deeply upset or fearful) (ONLY HAVE SEX WHEN ALREADY HAPPY!)

* Multiple partners (sequential/serial sexual encounters; orgies, gang-bangs, or group sex; puppy-pile cuddling; see also Sexual appetite or excess) (I personally cannot stand how all those puppy-pile cuddling kink fics TAKE OVER fandoms when all I want are nice normal nonkinky stories!)

* Nipple play or torture (touch me only in my designated genital zone, and let's get this sex over with as little foreplay as possible!)

* Orientation issues (confusion; discovery and coming out; self-hatred; two-beer queers; homosexual panic) (again I say innnnnnteresting. I don't deny that this is totally a kink in fandom, just like orientalist exoticization is, but I didn't expect to see it called out as such! Jeez, take away fandom's homosexual panic themes and what's LEFT? Also I guess if you're going to have the gay sex, you'd better have already done it before and come to a conclusion about your own sexuality and told everyone about it already! offscreen! before this story starts!)

* Sandwich sexual position or chain fuck (threesome) (sadface!)

* Virgins or inexperienced partners (okay, I guess all your characters had to lose their virginity SOMETIME, but for god's sake don't make me look at it! offscreen! before this story starts!)

* Voice fetishization (cracking or broken; husky, low, throaty; purring; accents; whispering close to someone's ear) ("yes, that is pleasant. Oh baby. Please continue the stimulation of my non-nippular erogenous zones." Also if someone in your story is British or Indian or something, I better not know about it!)

* Voyeurism and vision themes (character A secretly watches B and C have sex; character A is forced to watch B and C have sex; character A watches character B perform/masturbate; viewing one's beloved in general; taking pictures or video; eye contact, especially as flirting; establishing authority with a look; closing eyes as a trust gesture; character A feeling that character B truly sees him, when no one else does; the quality of light, e.g., characters lit by moonlight or candlelight, or gilded by the setting sun; being in the dark; temporary or permanent blindness; gazes as objectification) (DON'T DESCRIBE THE LIGHT AT ALL OKAY IT'S TOO KINKY FOR ME TO HANDLE)


ahahahahahaha. These are so awesome. I just could read them over and over again.

I think this says it best:

</em>

eta: And we have achieved hilarious commentfic! Here's one by daegaer: untitled frankfurter fic.

And here's one by runpunkrun: The Totally True Story of Two Men About to Have Sex

eta2: Uh, just for the record, guys, I don't think it's cool to go and post parody stories on the kinkfreezone comm. I mean, if you think that's cool, then you can make decisions for yourself, but I don't think it's cool and I actively discourage it.

eta3: As liviapenn pointed out, the mod of this comm actually selectively copy/pasted the items on this verboten list from eliade's big list of fannish kinks and cliches; please see this comment thread for more information on/discussion of that.

Comments

[From: eruthros]

"yes, that is pleasant. Oh baby. Please continue the stimulation of my non-nippular erogenous zones."

... so, what they're saying is that to write non-kink fic, both your characters have to be Spock? When he's not in pon farr, obv.

Maybe Spock doesn't have nippular erogenous zones! Maybe that's what's going on here!

[From: thingswithwings]

you know, it does seem like Vulcan sex done outside of pon farr for the purpose of procreation would be about the only thing to fit those guidelines. I bet they'd totally do it on a burlap sack in fluorescent lighting after fasting for three days.

[From: (Anonymous)]

Now I want to see someone write something hilariously kinky while still following their guidelines. Somehow. *headtilt*

[From: (Anonymous)]

erm, that was me.

-prairiedaun

[From: kanata]

Whaaaaaaa? I don't even know where to start! The idea that there needs to be a kink-free zone is hilarious enough on its own, but the list! OMG THE LIST. I skimmed through the Es and already my eyes were glazing over. Did they just take every kink/cliche list and mash them all together? WHAT IS THERE LEFT TO WRITE?

And imagining presumed-cisgender characters as potentially transgender? Is ttly different than imagining presumed-straight characters to be gay. fyi.

This one gives me the eye-twitch whenever I hear it. Which is sadly much more often than I would like.

Now if you'll excuse me, I really ought to get back to my fic about a submissive guy, his transgender boyfriend, and their love of anal penetration with foreign objects.

[From: kate]

WHAT IS THERE LEFT TO WRITE?

This.

[From: daegaer]

In honour of this, my very first SGA fic!

*

"Even though they appeared to be tree-hugging hippies, this planet had the technology to create authentic frankfurters and American-style mustard," Rodney said, stuffing a hotdog into his mouth.

"My people are skilled in the mysteries of cuisine," Teyla said. Everyone tried not to look at her breasts.

"Hey Rodney, can I have a bite of your wiener?" John asked.

"You eat your wiener, I'll eat mine," Rodney snapped. Everyone tried not to stare at his penis.

*

Damn - sorry it got a bit kinky there.

[From: thingswithwings]

it's just so gosh-darned hard to keep the kink out of the stories! I do appreciate you trying, though, buddy.

PS LOL.

[From: cobweb_diamond]

I am totally fetishising this community right now.

[From: thingswithwings]

ahahahaha

AWESOME

also, EXACTLY. see previous comment re: xkcd. :)

[From: tesserae]

This is run by people who really don't want to have sex, or really don't want to read about people enjoying it... perhaps they should find another hobby?

[From: thingswithwings]

I know! Maybe . . . maybe just write genfic, guys!

[From: landshark]

Wow! Just what I've always wanted--a community devoted to the dullest, most unimaginative sex EVER!

I can't even think of a fic that that would qualify and still have people getting naked in it.



Clearly, someone's never been anally penetrated with foreign objects before...LOL

[From: kate]

Actually, considering there's no exposure, there won't be any getting naked, even.

[From: lotesse]

This is ... very strange. Voice fetishization?!

I have no words. I'm so in love.

[From: thingswithwings]

me toooooooo

[From: acari]

*headtilt*

I... what? Who would want to read a fic following those guidelines?

[From: thingswithwings]

I also find it BAFFLING. and adorable!

[From: torch]

Oh, I love this. Especially Military fetishization: competence. I feel for the poor incompetent soldier-dudes who must be circumcised regardless of fandom and never get to have their nipples played with (but then, they probably would do it badly, being incompetent).

[From: thingswithwings]

yes! that one is great, too. Like, no matter what sex acts are actually still allowed, you'd better be doing it incompetently!

And I feel sad that Military, Nautical, and Prison themes are all disallowed. So much for all those SG-1, Master and Commander, and Prison Break stories I wanted to write!

[From: aria]

I -- I guess I will never write a sex scene again! (And damn, there goes that really long threesome fic I was planning.)

I think this list is going to entertain me all day. :D

[From: thingswithwings]

it's just so beautiful - I can't stop gazing upon it.

[From: wolfshark]

*tilts head*

I don't think I've ever written sex without kink...

[From: thingswithwings]

by these guidelines, no one has!

. . . which, I mean, actually, no one HAS, right, because normalized sex acts are pretty much just invisible kinks anyway, but STILL.

[From: toft]

Wooooooah.

Dude, I dare you to write a story that absolutely complies to their rules.

[From: thingswithwings]

I think that eruthros and I should start kinkfree_bingo, where the prompts are like, "no one touches anyone's nipples" and "monotone sex talk" and "penetration scenarios absent of power dynamics." Which would be great, actually, because not-touching someone's nipples is totally already a kink - it's under sensory deprivation! This is what orgasm denial is FOR.

[From: general_jinjur]

erm. i found kinks from the list in the stories i've looked at in the comm so far (i was curious how it was possible). i've only looked over a couple, but the thoughtcrimes story includes voyeurism (freya is aroused by images of brendan/emmett she sees in brendan's head), and there's voice fetishization in the eureka fic according to my read of the definition (voice cracking). maybe they are only kinks if they are done during intercourse? except then "eye contact during flirting" wouldn't count. hmmm.

i was also surprised that 'skin fetishization' didn't make the list, considering. that would take blushing off the table, and temperature differences, and probably sweat, too. also -- food fetishes aren't on the list?

i'm just not sure it's possible to follow those rules. but i admire the effort toward procedural clarity.

[From: thingswithwings]

The whole eye contact thing is very regimented! No eye-contact flirting, but no closing your eyes either . . . so, I guess, just look at the floor. Or the ceiling. VERY John Sheppard.

There are PLENTY of kinks that aren't on the list. I think I am going to write something that employs them. :D

but i admire the effort toward procedural clarity.

hahaha, yes, indeed.

[From: laurashapiro]

I want to see Kink Bingo/Kinkfreezone slash now. You know Kink Bingo tops.

::leer::

[From: bironic]

I was about to suggest the same thing! It would be awesome.

[From: crysothemis]

Wait, wait, wait. Uncircumcised penises are a kink????

I can't even wrap my brains around that.

[From: thingswithwings]

well, I mean, are - one could fetishize an uncircumcised penis, especially if one comes from a culture or are where most men are circumcised. And, like, it's a common gay porn trope. But it's still HILARIOUS as a thing to outlaw in general. Esp because circumcised penises are equally fetishized. :D

[From: ithiliana]

*reads*

**blinks**

***reads again***

****noticed that there are only 12 members and only 15 watching the community****

*****decides not to join community on grounds that I am OMG traumatized by people who have a KINK for vanilla sex and happy endings*****

in fact, I think someone on my flist once said "vanilla is a kink" and in the grand tradition of putting OFF work, I shall make that ICON!

[From: thingswithwings]

vanilla is TOTALLY a kink, and that fact has never been more ably demonstrated than it is by this community. :D

[From: 30toseoul.livejournal.com]

The list is cracking up me so hard, but I think I giggled the most when you said, Wow! Just what I've always wanted--a community devoted to the dullest, most unimaginative sex EVER!

[From: 30toseoul.livejournal.com]

(Er, when landshark said it, I mean. God, laughing way too way when I just woke up.

[From: livrelibre]

What? Wow. But this post and the comments have made my Sat morning lolarious in that special way.

[From: thingswithwings]

I am not going to stop being amused by it any time soon.

[From: ithiliana]

Icon!

http://ithiliana.livejournal.com/1163295.html

[From: cookiemom6067]

OK - wow. I am a LOT kinkier than I thought (and I thought I was a pretty kinky beatch)

No sex by candlelight

No whispering in my ear

No spreading of the legs (you WHORE!! - oh, uh, nope- no humiliation)

No gazing at your beloved...

I'm thinking this is going to be a VERY boring community. Let's just call it sexless gen and fuggedaboutit. I sure wouldn't want to read any sex in any of these stories. I think you take all that away and there's no sex left.

And the gender/orientation categories - this is so offensive I just have no words.

[From: thingswithwings]

No spreading of the legs (you WHORE!! - oh, uh, nope- no humiliation)

I know, right? Stymied at every turn! And plus there's no prostitution, so calling someone a whore is double-bad.

[From: scribblinlenore]

I would say that by the rules of this community you could only write sex between characters who had some sort of serious sensory deprivation (and no imagination at all), but you know, sensory deprivation. Kinky! *g*

[From: thingswithwings]

this is indeed the problem!

[From: msilverstar]

as everyone else has said, I'd hit those kinks!

[From: thingswithwings]

I know right!

[From: hederahelix]

There are so very, very many possible responses to this, most of which revolve around the paradoxes that result from trying to define that list.

For example, bottoming isn't okay, but topping isn't listed? And glory holes and sex toys are out. So exactly what receptacle are all those tops supposed to use?

In addition, if sex in het couples has to always be entirely equal, if we follow that to the "logical" conclusion anyone who put that list together is likely to leap to, the boy partner who tops the woman (in proper acceptable missionary style, no?) would then have to bottom (except that's sort of disallowed, but whatever).

However, if we're going by those rather limited definitions of sex, wouldn't we consider even a woman's finger a "foreign" object, so how exactly is she supposed to top him?

::boggles::

(PLEASE NOTE: I do know that top and bottom is rather more complicated than this, and that it doesn't necessarily correlate with penetrative sex, but I'm not sure the person creating that list managed to get that particular memo.)

While I applaud someone pointing out fandom's tendency to fetishize the military without copping to that particular kink and fandom's propensity for fetishizing the first time/WNRGWJLEO themes, this is very definitely NOT the way to do it.

[From: thingswithwings]

haha, oh man, I don't think I want to touch the mods' ideas of penetration and power and topping/bottoming with a ten-foot pole! But you're so right, according to their apparent notions of topping and bottoming, het couples are kind of . . . out. Or else the ladies would have to peg their dudes . . . which is also outlawed! It's a real problem.

[From: chagrined]

I am reminded of this occasion when someone called "penance" in my old capslock community, and then, trying to make sure the fic written would not be overly kinky, made a huge list of things that could not be involved in the fic. Haha let's see if I can track it down...

OKAY HERE IT IS: Things that were not allowed: diapers, scat, watersports, skullfucking, daddy play, rape/non-con, bloodplay, ageplay/underage/baby play, tentacles, genderswap, wingfic, necrophilia or zombies, transformation, fetishization of specific body parts (except Dean's ginger beard, but that also could not be overly fetishized by making it "too big" or anything), BDSM, any other characters being involved (hence threesomes/etc.), food play, vomiting, priest roleplaying (implied no roleplaying at all), mpreg, death!fic, STDs, spanking, wax play, verbal/physical abuse, bestiality, fisting, furry play, "guessing what object is up one's ass" (implied no "strange" object penetration), and a few other fandom-specific things.

Plus it had to have a minimum length of 100 words, no word repetition, correct spelling/punctuation, no plagiarizing, and to be in English.

Hahaha, SO! The fic writer called on me and a few other people for suggestions of how to best skirt around all these rules while still generally obeying them. XD

She ended up writing a story in which Dean was cursed so that he'd shout out random profanities for 24 hours, and then Sam fetishized Dean's (completely normal-sized) ginger beard, then started plucking hairs off it and inserting them in his urinary meatus (b/c sounding had not been against the rules), and also there was depilation (when Dean shaved his entire beard off), and snot (Sam blew his nose into the shaved hair so that it would be sticky so Dean could stick it to Sam's face so Sam would have a beard), and then there was ~NOT-QUITE~ fisting (they stopped at four fingers, of course), but there was no rule against helmeting, so then Sam stuck his entire head up there, and they ended with orgasming "gallons of cum," and then having a dutch oven underneath the blankets (farting had not been mentioned).

(And then I made a podfic of this, haha.)

Anyway, my conclusion is, I ~LOVE~ being given a list of rules and then figuring out ways to circumvent them by going along with their explicit wording while violating their spirit. Haha, even though in this case it was my friend who wrote this fic, not me. (How I wish!) But I felt pretty proud of my contributions to the brainstorming processing. But yes. I think that constrained writing is definitely a kink in and of itself, heeeeeee.

ALSO I AM SO GLAD TO SEE THAT MY GENDER IDENTITY IS A FETISH, YES. This is exciting b/c it means there is absolutely no possible way for me to be un-kinky, ever?? WHOA.

[From: landshark]

omg I must have this podfic. How did I not know about this?!